dark ink thoughts

I imagine nothing, the end as nothing. Not a scary, definite nothing. But a time-stopped, warm silence kind of nothing. The kind that enshrines you within its peace… no, not peace. The end is more than peace. It’s the fullness in your chest as you come face to face with the tremulous ominipotence of the universe.

That’s it. That’s what the end is. Stilled floating through the darkness of the universe. And the warmth must be the stars; the life you lived, the memories of love so bright they light up your existence. Your end, your nothingness.

And I imagine a calm, a calm so filling it becomes your spirit. Your soul, dipped in the blackness of the universe. The end can’t be definite…

I grew up Christian, made to believe in the goodness of Heaven, the eternity of life in the sky. I would be good, pure, made clean of my sinful humanity as only the spirit of God would dwell within me. 

This bothered me though. 

Not the loss of what made me human- at ten I wasn’t sophisticated enough to realize that everything that defined me was what made me human. No. What bothered me was the thought of forever. Of the endlessness that it must be. Of forever and ever and ever, till my head hurt. Of the blankness every moment must consist of. No days or nights or minutes: no rain, harsh sun. No more wonderful moments. Just one. Forever. And ever and ever and ever.

I don’t want to go to hell. And I’m fairly sure I don’t want heaven either. I cross myself for the nothingness. At the end of my life, old, weary and poor of breath, I imagine the universe embracing me. The darkness a cotton bed underneath me, encompassing me within it’s calming kiss. My rest shall be the nothingness.

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10 thoughts on “dark ink thoughts

  1. Lovely. Trying to imagine eternity/infinity is really beyond the ability of our brains as they are now. I want to believe that reincarnation into another life is an option, but I just don’t know.

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  2. Well said. I am certainly with you in the whole eternity thing. That was always a very weird concept to me when my grandmother would tell me about the bible, and Jesus and all that. I could understand the idea of punishment and reward, but forever. I remember contemplating just what seemed to me a massive mathematical inequality in time that you only had about 80 years to determine how eternity would be spent. That just seemed cruel. And heaven even never seemed particularly enjoyable. None of the worldly things that are joyful seem to be part of heaven at all. If someone said you could have drinks with your friends and deep conversation, and travel, and read books, etc then I think I could get behind the idea of heaven. I am someone who’s very fascinated by the concept of time and in particular how we perceive time. If there is no change, if there is no growth, no day and night, no shifting of stars across the sky, how are we to process such a thing? Given that being cognizant of a sequence of events is central to who we are. And if we change so fundamentally that we cease to be human in this so called “afterlife” then why I am fighting for that? It really seems all predicate on the fear of hell, which is in terms of torturous contrivances is about as bad as you can get that you should punished forever, but also in the same timeless manner. Both heaven and hell would seem to be much more conducive to some sort of insanity regardless of whether you are burning or not. You might enjoy this little story I wrote on the subject of eternity. https://cloakunfurled.com/2016/04/16/eternity/

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    1. I’m so glad to finally meet someone who shares my sentiments on the subject. To be honest, for the longest time, I had felt reserved in sharing my thoughts on the matter…always seemed taboo to doubt “God’s plans” for me and the peace that awaited me in heaven- crazy to contemplate now.
      I really enjoyed your story Eternity- Bill’s reawakening brought in the whole memory factor of life and the importance it plays in our lives.
      We want answers from God, but will we ever get the chance to ask? Will we remember love and kindness…will we care? Or will we just be worshipping zombies?
      Thank you so much for reading :)!!

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      1. Thank you for your kind words PK (not sure what you prefer to be called!). I think in the end I’d rather just have 80 interesting years and be done with it, than 80 years an eternity of monotony! lol And I think it’s okay to know that I am made of organic material that was part of life before me, and then was part of a star, which was part of an older star, and on and on back to the beginning. I think there is a much more beautiful eternity out there that I am a part of. No consciousness necessary, just part of a sequence of events in which some sub-atomic particle in me was a part of, and when I die I will become part of some other life form. 🙂

        Thank you for sharing your beautiful mind with the rest of us. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. PK will do just fine, thank you 🙂
          And what an enlightened way of looking at existence- our eternity as dancing atoms 🙂
          So glad you could stop by and share such wonderful thoughts 🙂
          Have a lovely day, Swarn!

          Liked by 1 person

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